I sit here full of emotion. Why? Because many of my friends are having babies....this is a joyous time right??? Not so, I feel an emptiness within....I ignore it most of the time because I know my "time" to carry a child is gone. I linger to have a natural birth the kind that will a fill the void I carry in my womb. I have been thinking a whole lot about this lately and how I couldn't do it and how my body had failed me. The thought of a C-Section never even crossed my mine 4 years ago...I mean I would just have a baby like my mom and sister did right? Nope. Not even close. I failed.....its the first thing in my life I would FAIL at and never get to redeem. I was so close and just so far. I never knew that having a C-Section would impact my life the way it has. My whole life all I wanted was to be a mom.....and now I was....why was it not good enough??? I don't even know the answer to that question....am I less of a mom because of it??? No. It's the pressure of being the Only one! That my body did not do its job. Maybe it's the would've, could've, should've that I won't get back. I never thought of myself as broken or less of a woman because of it. I know what labor is and how it feels and just missed the last step. I don't want to live the rest of my life obsessing over the fact that it didn't happen for me. I just have to let it go.....but its hard. I have to let it go and know that God knows why and he has a reason and GOOD ONE! I have to find the courage to LET GO and find peace. I will fail at other things in life.....I guess this is one of those times of moments of impact.....I just have to pick myself up and dust myself off and carry and just accept it for what it is. I am A MOTHER and it shouldn't and won't matter how my children arrived. My body is amazing after all it carried these children from egg to being....that is a miracle in itself. I need to let the wound heal instead of putting a bandaid over it and at this I will SUCCEED!
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